Revenge: Resisting the Urge, Revealing Your Strength

Have you ever replayed an argument in your mind, imagining the perfect comeback you wish you had said? Or have you ever felt that surge—the instinct to get back at someone who hurt you, just to make things even?

You're definitely not alone. The craving for revenge is so deeply wired into us, it almost feels like second nature. But—here comes the twist of greatness—it’s what we do with that instinct that truly defines us.

What Science (and the Torah) Says About Revenge

Modern psychology shows that holding onto grudges and seeking payback tends to start a cycle of pain, not just for others—but for ourselves. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who ruminate on revenge often report increased anxiety, less happiness, and lingering stress.

Yet, 300 years ago, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (the Ramchal) in Mesilas Yesharim beat psychologists to the punch. He wrote, "Taking revenge is sweeter than honey"—because it gives a brief feeling of justice and satisfaction. But he warns that this sweetness is fleeting. When someone hurts us, he explains, our natural instinct is to 'get even.' Overcoming this urge—going against our nature—transforms us into something higher, more angelic.

Anecdotes & Everyday Examples

Think about little kids: a toy gets snatched, and boom—the next second, toys are flying! Now, swap the sandbox for the boardroom, family table, or WhatsApp group—doesn’t the cycle look familiar?

Judaism gives two clear mitzvos: lo sikom (don’t take revenge) and lo sitor (don’t bear a grudge). Imagine this: Your friend doesn’t lend you their iPad when you ask. Next week, they want to borrow yours. If you say, "You didn’t lend me yours, so I won’t help you," that's straight-up revenge. If you hand it over, but say, "I'm not selfish like you," that's bearing a grudge! Either way, the relationship is soured—and keeping score rarely feels good.

Why Letting Go is Your Superpower

Instead of plotting to "get even," try assuming the best about others’ actions. Maybe your friend was nervous about lending their new device, or had a tough day. The Talmud teaches that no one can really take what’s meant for you. Sometimes, the universe (and G-d) runs things we just can’t see!

Releasing revenge is not weakness—it’s strength. When you rise above the pettiness, you become a bigger person. The real winners in life? Those who have a list—at the end of their days—of all the people they chose not to get even with!

Action Steps to Break the Cycle

Pause and Reframe: When someone upsets you, take a breath. Ask: “What else could be going on?” You may not know their story or their stress.
Take 10 seconds before reacting. Sometimes that’s enough to shift your instinct from getting even to letting go.
Journal It Out: Write down what happened and how you feel. Keeping a “revenge diary” might sound funny, but seeing your emotions on paper helps process them—and can help you move on.
Grow Your Empathy: Challenge yourself to do one small, generous thing for someone who let you down. You’ll build strength and dignity—and you’ll feel their respect grow, too.
Remember the Big Picture: Remind yourself: “What’s meant for me, I’ll get—no one can take away my blessings.” This core Jewish belief can free you from the need for payback.

Just like muscle-building, forgiving and letting go takes practice—but every time you choose peace over payback, you strengthen your inner character.

Tying It All Together

The next time you sense that urge to “get back” at someone, remember: You have a choice. By rising above revenge, you’re not only protecting your soul—you’re also creating stronger relationships, boosting your peace of mind, and walking in the footsteps of the truly great.

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Revenge: Resisting the Urge, Revealing Your Strength